Change

People deal with change differently. Some embrace it, others resist it. I am the former; I think I deal with change quite easily and it doesn't take me long to get used to doing something new or thinking in a new way.

Except when it comes with S.

It has taken us time to deal with all the changes that are happening with S the last 6 months: moving into a toddler bed, toilet training, etc. I think it is because all the struggles that we had early in with her. She was born 3 weeks early after I was induced (considered full term and no where near as early as other kids have been) but I had severe preeclampsia (high blood pressure) during the last month (possible longer and was not caught) and I had complications. And it turns out, so did S.

Born small at 6lbs, 4oz she was always on the small side of the growth curves. But when she was 18 months, I insisted to our doctor something was not right: she hadn't gained any weight in 1 year. We were referred to a pediatrician who in turn referred us to a geneticist, neurologist and sent us for physical therapy. She has many blood tests, a MRI (where she was sedated and the toughest thing for me to do to her) and countless doctor's appointments. She was still not walking at 18 months when we saw the neurologist.

Her report came in a few weeks before Christmas and when I spoke directly with him, I knew that something had showed up on the scan. I just KNEW. But when I told him she had just started walking at 22 months, he was extremely pleased. But the scan did show a few small areas on her brain that they think were under-myelinated (neurons not insulated) and they thought this was what was causing her extremely slow growth. After all of the testing, we were getting answers. Other than that, she was extremely healthy and very bright. The opinion was a wait and see approach and see would happen over the next few years. She might be normal in height, she might be small. There was no cure or treatment. I asked if it could have been caused by my preeclampsia. Although they couldn't say for sure, they thought it was highly likely. I felt as thought I was kicked in the stomach. It was all my fault I thought.

It took time but I came to realize that this is who she was, take the good with the bad and focus on all the good things.

She is now 3 and preschool has given her so much more confidence. She is bright, happy and polite.

But physically she is still behind. She just moved into a toddler bed and still isn't toilet trained yet. But we continue to work on it.

I think when she does hit a milestone in her life, we almost think it is too good to be true. And I think sometimes we miss her signs that she is ready. Probably because we have gone through so much already and have had learned to live with disappointments (but not her). DH is also very protective of her. With her always being small, not being able to do things that other kids can do and the struggles she had walking (and all the falls), he was always watching out for her.

So moving into a big bed has taken months, toilet training even longer.

Last night I bit the bullet- I put her to bed in her big bed (which at that point was being used for naps only). I promised myself to remove her crib if the first night was good. No more back and forth. And I was firm with DH. It would be ok.

The crib is being disassembled as we speak. No going back now.